For some bizarre reason, there was something on my FB feed this morning about hiking and sex; apparently it is a thing (well, in certain circles). So I Googled it (in retrospect, possibly not a good idea) and found lots and lots and lots of links, none of which, given the descriptions, I was brave enough (or wanted to risk infecting my computer with) to actually click on. Anyway, it got me to thinking (as you do) about the actual logistics of engaging in coitus whilst on a multi-day hike, so I wrote this light-hearted piece, entitled “Six Reasons to Keep Your Kit On”.

There comes a time in every hiker’s life when they are exposed to nature’s bounty, the birds and bees, the soaring cellos and all that stuff,  and are hit by a wave of passion, and of course, one must do as nature calls. Well…this may happen in *certain* types of books or movies…but not the ones I ever read or watch; in those, the music tends to be increasingly fast banjo playing, or along the lines of “dada dada dadada dadada…” So, here are the six reasons to keep your kit ON.

First, you. After a long day’s hiking up and down mountains, perhaps in very hot, very cold or very wet weather (or in some areas, all three), you are likely to be overcome with a number of very strong desires. In my case, these are (in order); get the pack off, get the boots off, find some alcohol and sit down. Funny enough, sex has never made it on to that list (even when hiking with a partner). It is extremely tiring hiking for days over mountains, and you tend not to be looking at your most scintillating when you can barely stagger, are covered in bruises, cuts and scratches, haven’t showered or brushed your hair for a week, and have that crazed sleep-deprived look from trying to sleep on a quarter of a centimetre of foam rubber on top of an entire continent’s worth of rocks and sticks and other mysterious but very uncomfortable objects.

Second, a partner. Assuming you are hiking solo, there are not that many other people on a long hike, and these people occur along a wide demographic continuum of ages, genders, marital status, etc. Also, generally speaking, as a middle-aged woman, I am not likely to catch the eye of that hot 20-something with the six pack. The archetypal MILF (Google it), probably only exists in shows like Desperate Housewives (who have not neglected their beauty regimes, their personal training sessions or their monthly Botox injections, and most importantly, don’t smell like mud). Also, even if a potential partner is into you, they probably have the same list of must-haves as you (pack off, boots off, have a nice sit down and a cup of tea). And on overseas hikes, the different languages make things even more difficult. You could be merely chatting to a friendly guy about how excited you are about your trip and say, “je suis excite”. Um, that means horny, not excited. But of course, if you are horny, then you know what to say, at least in French.

Third, hygiene. Long distance hikes generally do not have luxurious (aka any) bathroom facilities, meaning that there are not many places to keep up with your basic beauty regimes, like washing. Standing naked outside a hut in the freezing sleet, trying to have a towel bath behind a water tank, whilst at the same time, avoid the hundreds of leeches desperate to crawl up your legs towards your tender parts (Overland Track, I’m talking about YOU), does not remove significant amounts of mud and grime. Thus, most hikers are sweaty, muddy, and have terrible BO, much like the zombies in the Walking Dead. Well that may be your thing, but it’s not mine. And anyway, where do you wash afterwards? And what about protection? Condoms are not usually itemised in hiking gear lists.

Fourth, location. What about your tent? Hiking tents are mostly very small and made of very thin and quite transparent material, and they are not at all soundproof (snorers I know who you are). So that already raises an essential question, who goes on top? Because the limbs of that person are likely to intersect with the tent in a number of amusing ways (well, amusing to one’s fellow hikers, that is). Your tent will probably look like the typical cartoon fight cloud, a fuzzy ball, with the occasional body part emerging (I’ve actually seen this at music festivals lol). Worse, if you get really carried away, you might make a hole in your $500 wafer thin UL hiking tent, subsequently allowing in all sorts of unpleasant nature, such as torrential rain or ravenous insects (see point no 6). Also, if you shut all the doors and windows of tents, they get very muggy; likely humid enough to create their own mini weather system. So there you are, thrashing away in exhausted passion, with litres of sweat dripping down your face and pooling on the body of your partner (well some get off on that…) And then, of course, you have to face everyone else when you finally emerge from your tent, or else stew there in the fug until after dark.

Fifth, what about in the huts? Many longer hikes have huts or refuges, which are basically large open-plan rooms or groups of rooms with bunk beds, like backpacker dorms only with greater numbers of smellier people. I challengeanyone to have sex in a crowded hut in a bunk bed without someonenoticing…yes, even after midnight, and yes, I have been in a backpacker dorm when people have done it (sorry sweethearts, but everyone knew what you were doing). A number of things should put most people off this; it’s basically in public, your fellow hikers will be grossed out and/or irritated at being kept awake, and if not, and depending on the degree of you or your partner’s hotness, may even want to join in. Also, it is virtually impossible to have sex without making any noise, and it has a characteristic odour that will waft all around the hut like the farts at midnight resulting from dehydrated bean camping stew.

Sixth, what about in the beautiful and bounteous outdoors? Well, what about the weather, the wildlife, the flora, stumbling across the illegal still or meth lab of a sinister group of rednecks, or just catching the eye of the local serial killer? Come on, in just about every horror movie, when a couple is camping in the outdoors, and start having a moment of passion, the music gets louder and more ominous, and this lurching creature stumbles out of the bushes, brandishing a huge knife/boathook/machine gun or crossbow (Daryl excluded). Hmm, possibly I should change my taste in movies. But what about wildlife? Potential (wo)man-eaters like bears and lions with their slavering ichor-dripping fangs are just waiting to feast on my naked flesh (STOP watching horror movies, I said) and are supposedly attracted by the smell of sex (I just made that up, but it might be true). But there are not just dangers from larger animals, what about ants, spiders, snakes, and…oh God, the horror…leeches? You can’t feel the leech bite you until it is so swollen with your blood that it falls off…it could be anywhere! Even the plants can harm you. For example, someone who is not me was once having sex on a rock and was poked in the eye by a reed, with the resulting scream of agony quite ruining the moment.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I think I’ll have another glass of wine and an early nigh